m_findlow

Title: Precious time
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Jack, Ianto
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 2,911 words
Content notes: Written for Challenge 14 - Couple at beattheblackdog
Summary: Sometimes you have to give something up before you realise what it's worth.

Jack was furious at himself. It was the worst decision he'd even made in his entire life and now he was stuck with it. What on earth had he been thinking? And the more he thought about it, the angrier he became. He couldn't let it show thought. He had to think of the bigger picture and the team needed him to be their leader and keep a clear head. If he got distracted by other thoughts, he could end up putting them all in terrible danger. And yet, as the days and weeks wore on, it became harder and harder to maintain focus. They were starting to notice. And let's face it, it was no secret what had happened, and if anything they were impressed that things had been as civil as they had been. He'd put aside sulk and grumpiness for the good of the team, and more importantly for Ianto's sake.

Ianto. Curse the day he'd ever met the man, Jack thought. He was totally infuriating and yet Jack still loved him to distraction. He'd thought things had been going along so well, and then all of a sudden, one day Ianto had walked into his office and told him that he needed a break. Jack had laughed and heartily agreed. The team could surely handle things without them for a few days, maybe even whole week. Where should they book their holiday? Holland was nice this time of year, more maybe Spain. Rolling countryside or sunny beaches? Ianto could choose.

He still remembered the sad look on the man's face when he confessed that wasn't what he'd meant when he said he needed a break. What he meant was that he needed a break from them. Jack felt like he'd been punched in the gut. What did he mean, a break? They weren't breaking up, Ianto confirmed, he just needed a break. What did that even mean? Jack still didn't understand. Ianto struggled to explain himself. He just needed a break, he kept repeating that phrase over and over, as if he'd been rehearsing it before committing to it and that was a far as he'd gotten.

Jack had tried to be understanding, even though he didn't understand. He loved Ianto and the last thing he wanted was any angst or hurt. He'd give Ianto anything he wanted. That was how he'd ended up in this mess. If Ianto wanted a break, of course he could have it. Anything for Ianto. In his mind, Jack was sure that whatever this was, Ianto was just having a bad day, and he'd be back to apologise later for his foolish ramblings. He didn't really mean he wanted a break from them. They were perfect together. A power couple. Together there was nothing that could stand in their way.

When Ianto went home that night, Jack tried not to let it bother him. The man just wanted a night off, a little bit a space, surely that was all it was. They all worked too hard, but Ianto worked harder than all of them. A good night's sleep and come tomorrow, all would be well.

Tomorrow came and went, as did the next few days, stretching out into a week. He continued to work later than the others, but each night he bade Jack goodnight and left the hub. The days were equally filled with a complete change in their relationship. They still worked together, but there was a cordial demeanor to their engagements. Ianto was as ever polite and friendly, and helpful to a fault, but he no longer engaged in their usual banter. After a few of Jack's attempts fell flat, the took the signal that during their "break" that this sort of thing was now off limits. Physical contact was also completely off the cards. It hurt Jack more than it frustrated him, though he didn't let it show. Ianto on the other hand, seemed perfectly as ease with their new simpler relationship. It didn't take long for the others to cotton on to the fact that something had changed. We're taking a break, Jack announced during one of their boardroom meetings when Owen made a snarky comment about them. He was surprised as how nonchalant he made it sound, even though the words felt like poison in his mouth. Ianto even seemed somewhat pleased that Jack seemed to be taking it so well. It didn't last though. Despite their publicly declared relationship holiday, the strain it was taking on Jack's patience was beginning to show in the cracking facade he held in place. It wasn't for the sake of the team that he did it. Just like everything else, he was keeping up the charade for Ianto's benefit. There was nothing he wouldn't do for him. After all, it was only a matter of time surely before Ianto decided that he'd had enough of this fool's errand and came crawling back.

So Jack had thought. Two months now and Jack was at his wits end. As Ianto wished him goodnight, leaving the hub at what would be considered a reasonable hour for once, Jack exited shortly after.

He prowled the dark cold streets, stewing in his own self loathing until he found that his feet had lead him to one of his old favourite haunts in a lesser well known part of the city. He ordered a double, throwing it back quickly and asking for another. It didn't take long for the drinks tab to build up, and for his brain to become thoroughly addled. When had he last gotten this properly drunk? It must have been years.

The music around him got louder, as did the swell of bodies. When one handsome creature started chatting him up and plying him with more drinks, he didn't hesitate to accept the attention. If they were on a break, why shouldn't he? It wasn't as if he'd been told he wasn't allowed to have any fun. And Ianto hadn't exactly given him more than a cursory glance for weeks. He needed human interaction just as much as the next person, probably more.

Finally the man convinced him to be lead to the dance floor where they joined a growing sea of people, their bodies pressed together in the crush. Arms snaked around Jack's waist and he reciprocated, wrapping arms around the supine neck of his willing compatriot. They swayed to the thumping beat, and Jack's head swayed even more from the alcohol. They were getting closer together until their faces were almost touching, and the scent of the man wafted strongly into Jack's nose, causing him to recoil. He didn't smell like Ianto and Jack's brain locked into gear, despite the intoxication. This was wrong. He shouldn't be here. He pushed away and made his excuses to leave, bolting out the door and back into the clear air outside. He paced quickly away from the pumping volume issuing from the venue, down a block and into an abandoned alleyway.

He was angry. He'd almost cheated on Ianto and yet he had no idea if he was even supposed to still be faithful to someone who didn't want to be with him anymore. In his drunken fury, he kicked hard at a row of rubbish bins, letting them clatter loudly to the ground as he raged, fist hitting the rough brickwork before slumping against the wall in exhausted frustration,  ignoring the foul smelling detritus strewn about his feet.

Why had Ianto done this? Right now, he didn't care. he wanted to grab the man and shake him as hard as he could, before holding onto him as tightly as possible, and never let him go. He pulled himself back up and purposefully started out into the night.

Ianto was curled up on the sofa, dozing, when the loud crashing sound startled him awake, sending the book that had been forgotten in his lap, tumbling to the floor.

'This is what you've been doing that's better than being with me?' Jack declared, outraged.  

Ianto was still in slight shock at the intrusion and the end of his peaceful night. Somehow he'd known this moment was coming, and now that it was here, he was just going to have to deal with it as best he could.

'I don't expect you to understand, Jack.'

It was never going to be the right thing to say to someone like Jack, whose face contorted in fury at the dismissive comment. He continued on before Jack had a chance to draw breath. He intended to salvage something from this before Jack became self-destructive and left. Jack would have thrown himself off the tallest building in Cardiff if he thought it would get Ianto's attention. It wasn't necessary, he already had it.

'I joined Torchwood and met Lisa. She was my whole world, and then it all went to shit. And what did I do? I fell straight into bed with you.'

He looked at Jack hoping to see some sort of understanding in his icy blue gaze but found nothing. He was going to have to be more direct.

'Don't you get it? Torchwood is all I've known for the last five years. First Lisa, then you.' He paused, wishing he didn't have to show Jack his weakness. 'I don't know who I am. I'm just somebody's boyfriend, and that's it. Maybe I want to know what kind of person I am without all of that.'

'That's why you broke up with me?'

Ianto shook his head sadly. 'I didn't break up with you.'

'We're on a break though, aren't we?' Jack said, making vicious quotation fingers at the word "break". 'According to you, anyway. How long? A month? A year? Last I checked Ianto, you didn't have forever. Unlike some of us,' he spat derisively.

'I know that,' he replied quietly.

'But clearly you think I'm holding you back? My life might be unlimited, but my patience isn't.'

Now Ianto was getting frustrated with Jack. 'It's just work, work, work and shag. There's no time for interests or hobbies, unless you count sex as a hobby. I thought it could be enough, and that I didn't need anything else, and that I could be happy and live with that. I just thought that if I had some time away from you, it would help. Torchwood is just so all consuming.'  

'So now I'm taking up too much of your time? Sorry, but I thought that's what couples did, spend time together. Used to be that you complained we didn't spend enough time together.'

Ianto pushed himself up off the sofa and held his hands out beseechingly. Jack thrust away from his approaching touch and Ianto could tell that he was very drunk, and more unreasonable than usual.

'Please don't do this Jack. You're not thinking straight.'

'I'm not thinking straight?' Jack raged, knowing he shouldn't say anything in this state, but not caring, emboldened by the alcohol. 'I'm not the one who walked away.'

Ianto backed away, sinking back into the sofa and running his hands over his face, feeling wretched.

'I thought maybe I could leave for a while and go travel. But I knew what that would do to you, so I didn't. Maybe I should have. At least then you wouldn't have had to see me everyday and be reminded.'

'Nice to know I don't mean entirely nothing to you,' Jack seethed.

'Please sit down and let's talk about this.'

'No, I'm tired of talking. All we do is talk, and none of it means anything.'  

'Please,' Ianto asked again. Jack scowled but sat down next to him. Ianto reached out and placed a hand on his leg. It was the sort of thing Jack usually did but he needed to show Jack somehow that he still cared.

'I never meant for this to be forever. It just became too hard to figure out how to put and end to it.' He squeezed Jack's leg tighter. 'But I needed to know that I was more than this. More than Torchwood. More than just an extension of you.'

Something in Jack's demeanor shifted. His head was pounding from the rushing blood and the booze, but Ianto's confession sobered him.

'You are an extension of me, Ianto Jones. But you are so much better than me. You are everything good in this world that I cling on to. You make me a better person just by standing there beside me. And I can't do this without you.' He reached out his own hand and laid it in top of Ianto's. His other hand reached up for his face. 'I don't want to do this without you.'

Ianto didn't know what to say so he said nothing. He hadn't realised that his self imposed break from their relationship had hurt Jack as much as it had. Well no, that wasn't entirely true. He'd often caught that look of vexation on Jack's face when he'd wanted to say more, something no doubt filled with innuendo, accompanied by inappropriate touching, but had held back, knowing that it was now taboo. And it hadn't been easy on Ianto either. Just like Jack, he'd been ready to cave in after the first few days, but had somehow struggled through, hating the cold empty space in the bed next to him, and missing the shared meals and idle conversation at all hours of the night in the name of duty. But at the same time, he had found some space and perspective, arriving and leaving the hub at something akin to reasonable hours. It had allowed him to indulge in life's banal trivialities like morning exercise, reading books, watching television, cooking meals from scratch. He'd reacquainted himself with a CD collection that hadn't seen the light of day since he'd moved back to Cardiff, and even gone to a football match. It wasn't that he and Jack didn't have downtime, only that it comprised a limited spectrum of activities, conducted in a limited amount of time. Stuck at the hub, they both worked far longer hours than anyone else, simply because they were there and there was always work to be done. It wasn't a job, it was a way of life. It was far from normal, but it was all they knew.

Looking around the flat, Jack  could start to see the beginnings of normal life sprouting around the previously sterile looking space. There were hints of personality, odd knick knacks and clutter that hadn't been on shelves before, a kitchen that looked like it had seen use, a basket of unfolded laundry. In short, it looked lived in. Not some sanitised space that doubled as a hotel room for the odd occasion when they left the confines of the hub.

Jack sighed. 'If you don't want to do this anymore, I'll understand. Really I will,' he said when Ianto continued to sit there and stare into nothingness, lost in thought. He'd be miserable and hate himself, but he'd do it if it would only make Ianto happy.

'No!' That got his attention. 'I don't, I just,' he wasn't sure what he was trying to say. 'I don't want to lose you either. It was selfish of me to put everything on hold.'

'No,' Jack affirmed. 'I can see now why you did, and you were right to. I don't ever want you to give up your life for me. Bad enough you risk it every day to protect people, but don't lose yourself in the process. If you need to go home and have some alone time, then that's fine. You're not beholden to me. I just want to know that at the end of the day you still want to be together with me some of the time.'

Ianto placed a warm palm over the top of the one caressing his cheek. 'Jack, I wish I could be with you all of the time. I just need to know that there's more to me than just being with you.'

Jack almost wanted to sob. 'There's so much more, Ianto Jones. I want to spend the rest of my life discovering it all with you. If you want to go to wine appreciation classes, or the zoo, or rock out to death metal, then I want you to. All I ask is that you let me be a part of it.'

'I think I might be past my death metal years,' Ianto joked, 'but the first two options sound okay.'

Jack looked hopeful, which was an odd expression on his inebriated face. 'Maybe I could book in a date at the zoo sometime in the near future? Dinner afterwards? Maybe even a game of naked twister?' he raised an eyebrow questioningly.

'Now you're pushing your luck.'

'Would I be pushing my luck if I wanted to kiss you?' Please say no, the voice in Jack's head whispered.

Ianto couldn't help but roll his eyes at Jack. 'So long as you agree to stay the night. I can't have you driving drunk around town.'

Jack grinned stupidly. 'Any excuse to get me into bed. Now who's pushing their luck?'

Ianto grabbed his face and kissed him hard. Being coupled with a 51st century immortal wasn't always going to be easy, but it was definitely fun, and Ianto decided he didn't want to give that up for anything.